A Very Long Explanation of a 10 Second Conversation

Sometimes it’s really annoying being my head. I blame the crazy on being a girl. So last night Ty tells me that his friend’s wife is out of town and they’re going to have a movie night. He didn’t ask me if it was ok, which I guess he doesn’t have to do, but still. So of course I felt like I had to retaliate in some way. “That’s fine, but I’m going shopping.” Because apparently the one leads to the other.

I had been planning to go shopping anyways. One of my favorite pairs of pants now has to holes in the butt, and no, this did not happen when I was wearing them, that I know of. I’m 95% sure it happened in the wash because they’re just worn out.

Anyways, so I said, “Ya, that’s fine, but I get to go shopping.” Ty looks at me confused and says, “Hey, you get to go to book club and wherever and I don’t say a thing.” This is what this sentence actually means: “I don’t ever complain when you go to book club or anywhere. I just let you go because I know you want to, and I don’t complain especially when you go to book club, which is on a Tuesday, which is the night before my classes and I have lots and lots of homework that I always have to do. I put the kids to bed and then do my homework, and I don’t complain about you going because it makes you happy.” So I contemplated this for a second and said, “Oh, yeah, but honey. . .” and then I explained to him that I had holes in the butt of one of my comfortable pants and then further explained that “I NEED to go shopping. I need some more fat pants.” *

Tyler has had to go shopping lately too. We have both gained some weight. I have been trying unsuccessfully to get it off and therefore avoiding going shopping in hopes that anything I buy now would be too big in a month or so. Ty has had interviews and internships where he has to dress nicely so we have gone shopping for what we call his “fat clothes.” (We’re both going to have the weight off by our birthdays, I SWEAR!)

Usually when I go shopping though, I don’t tell Tyler. We’re on a strict budget because he is in school and he doesn’t ever notice when I have new clothes on, he just notices the bill. And when I tell him I needed to go shopping he just rolls his eyes and gives me the “Ugh, Shelly, we have to stop spending speech.” Which I hate. First of all I hate asking to go shopping because it ruins the whole shopping experience, and second of all, you can’t STOP spending. We are CONSUMERS in AMERICA. It’s just not possible. (And yes, I know what he means when he says this, but still, I hate it.) But we have been communicating really well lately so I decided to tell him that I really NEEDED to go shopping for some pants. And he surprised me. He patted me on the shoulder and in one of his nicest voices he said,

“Ok, go get some fat pants.”

And then I got angry.

This is where it gets annoying to be in my head. He agreed so early that immediately this is what went through my mind. “What do you mean go get some FAT PANTS? What are you saying? I’m huge? You don’t like my butt anymore, do you? Aren’t you going to fight with me at all? Aren’t you going to remind me of the ten other pair of jeans in my closet? Why aren’t you telling me that they all look good on me and that we’re on a really tight budget and I don’t really NEED them right now?

After he asked those questions I would explain that, “I’m sorry, I have gained weight and so have you and none of my pants are comfortable anymore. I really need some new ones. I wore out my comfortable ones and I feel ridiculous in everything I wear.” And then you were supposed to tell me that I look so cute in everything and I don’t know what I’m talking about, but since I feel insecure, go ahead, replace your pants, we’ll cut back somewhere else if it will make you feel better. But you’re not going to are you? Because you really THINK that I NEED fat pants. I look so ridiculously hideous all the time that you aren’t even going to fight with me about getting clothes because this time they’re necessary, not UNNECESSARY! GASP GASP GASP. (And then the ranting in my head continued – all in a split second, of course.)

Well, Mr. Tyler who thinks his wife is fat and doesn’t like her butt anymore (which USED to be one of his favorite things to compliment me on) You think I need fat pants? I’ll get you some fat pants, and since I look so hideous, guess what I’m going to get? Extra help. Oh yeah, These babies right here.

7 jeans have been calling my name for a long time and I’m heading to Nordstroms first thing in the morning. OH OH, or MAYBE I’ll get some TRUE RELIGION Jeans. They have way cute embellishments on the behind, then you won’t be so embarrassed of me now HUH! HUH? HUH? What do you think about that?

And then a second after he told me to go ahead and get some pants he said, still in his nice and genuinely concerned voice, “Just don’t get anything too expensive, especially out of retaliation.” And then he smiled and laughed.

I was a little taken aback. Can you hear what I’m thinking? Of course not. You wouldn’t be being nice if you did. So what did I say? “Oh, of course not. Pffff. I’m not shopping out of retaliation. I'd never do that. When have I ever? You have fun tomorrow.” This was followed by a nervous laugh.

All this over analyzing. And I wonder why I’m always so tired.

(*Please don't comment on how I look. I swear I'm not writing this because I'm fishing for compliments. I'm just amazed at what goes through my head. Does this happen to most girls, or is it just me?)