An Episode

"How you doin?" Hee hee hee. "How you doin?" Hee hee hee. This is what Ty keeps asking me because I may or may not have just had an episode where I "freaked out." I'm sure this happens to more people than just me. Ty has learned to just laugh at it, well sometimes he just laughs. He really is completely baffled that I can just freak out and run all over the house while frantically looking for Hayden's "Green blanket". I can't find it anywhere. I don't know where it is, or where it could have gone and it is essential for bedtime, and nap time, and for Hayden's various sad moments throughout the day where he needs comfort. I was tired, I was done and it was my turn to put the boys to bed, and I freaked. I stomped up and down the halls, said a few choice words, threw things around frantically and groaned and arghed as dramatically as possible. And then I got over it. I felt better and Hayden went to bed without his Green Blankie, (even though it's making me nervous right now just thinking that I really don't know where it is, and neither does Ty.) Ty doesn't understand that I can just have an episode/childlike temper tantrum, and then feel much better. He has them too, just in a more adult way I suppose. At least I think I'm over it. If he asks me how I'm doing again I might just knock the fan right next to me to the ground.

And thinking of my "episode" reminds of Jackson's "episode" of yesterday. It was really quite sweet. He continues to amaze me at how sweet he actually is. Lately, Jackson has developed a thing for mosquito eaters. There are two that seem to hang out around our door. At first Jackson was scared of them, but I told them they were good and they eat mosquitoes, and after that, they instantly became his friends. On Wednesday, one of his little friends flew into my house during a piano lessons. (Oh, I'm teaching piano lessons now. It's been quite an adventure. Good thing I like adventures.) My student caught it and threw it back outside, but I think the M.E. was hurt, because when we were walking up the stairs Thursday, Jackson got to the top, looked down, and gasped, not once, but twice, and then I heard a whispered, "Mom, loooook." I looked. It was one of his friends, a mosquito eater, flattened on the ground. Jackson was frozen, he looked up and I could tell he was holding back tears.

I tried to make him feel better and said "Look, his friend's still here. Maybe he'll invite another friend over and there will be two again. Come on inside. Don't step on it. It'll be ok." Jackson slowly went inside, slowly made his way down the hall, and then turned around and looked at me and said, "Mom?" And I could tell he was going to cry. I gave him a hug and said, "Oh, are you sad?" And that did it. The waterworks were on. It was the saddest cry I've ever heard. I've heard his mad cries, his tired cries, his cries of injustice, but never just plain sorrow, and I almost cried too, over a mosquito eater. "Mom," he said, "I'm (gasp) just (gasp) crying (gasp). I can't (gasp) stop (sob). I'm so (sob) sad (sob) (sob) (sob).

It was so sweet. And I just sat there and held him, until finally he said, "I can't remember why I'm crying." And then I knew he was really tired, and that he was ok. When Ty got home we showed him the M.E. Ty picked it up with a tissue and ceremoniously flushed it down the toilet. Jackson couldn't watch, but he did cry again. Somehow I made him stop by telling him at least no one can step on him anymore. And Ty made him smile by saying that his friend probably had a lot of baby M.E's before it died. Jackson is now really excited for the babies. So if one day we have a whole load of M.E.'s around our door, you'll know why, and you'll know that Jackson is in heaven.

p.s. I apparently lied to my child. After researching the mosquito eater, or crane fly, I have learned that they in fact do not eat mosquitoes. They don't eat anything at all (well some eat nectar). They mature, mate and die, and are actually considered a mild turf pest. Now I have no real affection for them, except that my child loves them, but maybe he'll feel differently when I tell him the real truth about the crane fly.